Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Memo to Oreo
Here's a piece I wrote last year in hopes of getting it published. Instead it will now be foisted on the poor unsuspecting readers of this blog:
MEMO
TO: Oreo
FROM: Dave (Nominal Head of Household)
CC: Cheryl (Spouse); Sarah (Daughter)
A belated welcome to the Martin-Brooks household. I know there was some initial reluctance on the part of some to your joining the family. But I am happy to say that, for the most part, we have ironed out our differences.
The fact that you are a Portuguese Water Dog is apparently a big plus in your favor. Since both Cheryl and Sarah are allergic to dogs, it was mandatory that any new member of the house be a non-shedder. As far as I know, despite my advancing years and increasingly hairy back, I, too, still qualify on that count.
As you may be aware, the family vote on your proposed membership was not unanimous. However, your candidacy did garner a clear two-thirds majority. Given the secret ballot nature of our quasi-democracy, I am not at liberty to divulge the specific breakdown of the vote. Suffice it to say, we are now all on board to varying degrees.
Initially, I would like to stress to you that your acquisition was not a frivolous decision on our part. I’m not sure if you are aware that Cheryl purchased you at two months old for the not insignificant sum of $1700. We are not asking you to contribute to that amount in any way. But I thought you should know that we are financially committed to your well being. Just to reassure you, please note that we paid nothing for Sarah and yet she is still with us ten years later.
You may have noticed other expenditures for your benefit. The high-end crate and the stainless steel dog food bowls are not inexpensive items. And, by the way, in case you’re wondering, the three baby gates blocking off the kitchen doorways did not come with the house.
I hope you are enjoying the $800 Afghan carpet on the stairs. Apparently that was purchased to help you avoid developing hip dysplasia. I only wish that it had been there ten years earlier to help with my arthritic hips. But, never mind; better late than never.
The $300 gate in the backyard was also a recent acquisition for your benefit. As were the various bricks and boards used to block off any exits under the fence. I get the sense that you are not fully appreciative of these improvements. Rest assured; they are necessary. Much as you think you can take on the neighbor’s cat, trust me, you can’t.
As for health care, I am told that you do not have any medical insurance coverage. That’s unfortunate. However, until you do, we are prepared to cover your vet bills including the upcoming neutering operation (don’t ask). I would only ask that you take appropriate precautions to minimize further expenditures on medical treatments. From now on, that means no more eating feces or rolling around in dead animal matter.
We expect all of our family members to be housebroken. If I am required to always put the toilet seat down, I trust that you can at least refrain from urinating or defecating indoors. I know the living room rug looks vaguely like a lawn, but please restrict yourself to the real lawn. After all, it’s not as if we’re asking you to pick up after yourself.
Our expectations for you are fairly modest and I believe entirely reasonable. In return for three meals a day, assorted treats and at least two walks, all that we ask is that you feign excitement when we come home and occasionally sit and/or lie down on command.
As for schooling, we were pleased with your recent satisfactory performance at obedience school. However, we do not foresee any postgraduate studies for you in the near future. In fact, if the slipper chewing and failure to come when called continue, it is possible that you will be repeating obedience school, possibly with a private tutor.
I believe you have already recognized and accepted Cheryl as the alpha bitch. I understand that I am supposed to be the alpha male. Let me just say that I am a tad disappointed since your behavior to date suggests otherwise (e.g. - biting, barking and general disobedience). I’m not going to press the matter right now but this will have to change.
Which brings me to the subject of walks. In keeping with the original terms of ownership, walking you is not my primary or even my secondary duty. You are to look to Cheryl and Sarah for the performance of this particular function.
That is not to say that I am averse to the occasional walk with you. I am concerned, however, that the gradual increase in the frequency of such walks over time may result in my ‘de facto’ membership in the ranks of other aging males on our street who seem to be the only ones walking the family canine before sunrise, after sunset and during any outbreak of significant precipitation. This matter should be revisited periodically to prevent any further drop in my already tenuous standing in the family hierarchy.
Notwithstanding the concerns expressed in this memo, I anticipate a cordial, dare I say friendly, relationship developing between us over time. Once you have learned to stop chewing anything within reach and to cease eating non-edible items, I fully expect that we can spend many pleasant years together on or near the rec room sofa watching sports, drinking beer and/or eating dog biscuits.
MEMO
TO: Oreo
FROM: Dave (Nominal Head of Household)
CC: Cheryl (Spouse); Sarah (Daughter)
A belated welcome to the Martin-Brooks household. I know there was some initial reluctance on the part of some to your joining the family. But I am happy to say that, for the most part, we have ironed out our differences.
The fact that you are a Portuguese Water Dog is apparently a big plus in your favor. Since both Cheryl and Sarah are allergic to dogs, it was mandatory that any new member of the house be a non-shedder. As far as I know, despite my advancing years and increasingly hairy back, I, too, still qualify on that count.
As you may be aware, the family vote on your proposed membership was not unanimous. However, your candidacy did garner a clear two-thirds majority. Given the secret ballot nature of our quasi-democracy, I am not at liberty to divulge the specific breakdown of the vote. Suffice it to say, we are now all on board to varying degrees.
Initially, I would like to stress to you that your acquisition was not a frivolous decision on our part. I’m not sure if you are aware that Cheryl purchased you at two months old for the not insignificant sum of $1700. We are not asking you to contribute to that amount in any way. But I thought you should know that we are financially committed to your well being. Just to reassure you, please note that we paid nothing for Sarah and yet she is still with us ten years later.
You may have noticed other expenditures for your benefit. The high-end crate and the stainless steel dog food bowls are not inexpensive items. And, by the way, in case you’re wondering, the three baby gates blocking off the kitchen doorways did not come with the house.
I hope you are enjoying the $800 Afghan carpet on the stairs. Apparently that was purchased to help you avoid developing hip dysplasia. I only wish that it had been there ten years earlier to help with my arthritic hips. But, never mind; better late than never.
The $300 gate in the backyard was also a recent acquisition for your benefit. As were the various bricks and boards used to block off any exits under the fence. I get the sense that you are not fully appreciative of these improvements. Rest assured; they are necessary. Much as you think you can take on the neighbor’s cat, trust me, you can’t.
As for health care, I am told that you do not have any medical insurance coverage. That’s unfortunate. However, until you do, we are prepared to cover your vet bills including the upcoming neutering operation (don’t ask). I would only ask that you take appropriate precautions to minimize further expenditures on medical treatments. From now on, that means no more eating feces or rolling around in dead animal matter.
We expect all of our family members to be housebroken. If I am required to always put the toilet seat down, I trust that you can at least refrain from urinating or defecating indoors. I know the living room rug looks vaguely like a lawn, but please restrict yourself to the real lawn. After all, it’s not as if we’re asking you to pick up after yourself.
Our expectations for you are fairly modest and I believe entirely reasonable. In return for three meals a day, assorted treats and at least two walks, all that we ask is that you feign excitement when we come home and occasionally sit and/or lie down on command.
As for schooling, we were pleased with your recent satisfactory performance at obedience school. However, we do not foresee any postgraduate studies for you in the near future. In fact, if the slipper chewing and failure to come when called continue, it is possible that you will be repeating obedience school, possibly with a private tutor.
I believe you have already recognized and accepted Cheryl as the alpha bitch. I understand that I am supposed to be the alpha male. Let me just say that I am a tad disappointed since your behavior to date suggests otherwise (e.g. - biting, barking and general disobedience). I’m not going to press the matter right now but this will have to change.
Which brings me to the subject of walks. In keeping with the original terms of ownership, walking you is not my primary or even my secondary duty. You are to look to Cheryl and Sarah for the performance of this particular function.
That is not to say that I am averse to the occasional walk with you. I am concerned, however, that the gradual increase in the frequency of such walks over time may result in my ‘de facto’ membership in the ranks of other aging males on our street who seem to be the only ones walking the family canine before sunrise, after sunset and during any outbreak of significant precipitation. This matter should be revisited periodically to prevent any further drop in my already tenuous standing in the family hierarchy.
Notwithstanding the concerns expressed in this memo, I anticipate a cordial, dare I say friendly, relationship developing between us over time. Once you have learned to stop chewing anything within reach and to cease eating non-edible items, I fully expect that we can spend many pleasant years together on or near the rec room sofa watching sports, drinking beer and/or eating dog biscuits.
