Saturday, November 15, 2008
Presidential Canine Advice
TO: The Obama Family
FROM: Oreo the Portuguese Water Dog
My owner tells me that you folks are looking for a dog. First of all, I’d like to reassure you that you’re making a very wise choice. Anyone who tells you that you should be getting a cat instead is just not thinking straight.
Now the last I heard was that dad has decided that he’d like to get a mutt from the pound. That’s a nice gesture and I heartily endorse the sentiment. But I also heard that ten-year-old Malia is allergic to dogs and that the number one priority is to get a dog who’s hypoallergenic.
With no false modesty, I can heartily recommend that you acquire a Portuguese Water Dog. Yes, there are other breeds that are hypoallergenic. But if you want a real dog in The White House that Malia can actually play with then a Porty is the way to go.
Some folks are going to tell you that you should get a Bichon Frise. Sure, they don’t shed and those with allergies won’t have a problem. But do you really want a Bichon? In case you didn’t know, they’re small, yappy dogs that even other dogs don’t like.
I’m sure you’re going to have all kinds of people telling you that you need a poodle. OK, you could do worse but I don’t think the President of the United States should be owning a frou-frou dog like that. Pick a Portuguese Water Dog and you’ve got all the advantages of a poodle and none of the stigmas.
Look, if you’re still having doubts, give me a call and I’ll be glad to pay you a visit. Who knows? Maybe we’ll hit it off and I can become the First Dog.
It’s not that I don’t like my current family. But they live in Ottawa and, frankly, it’s not the greatest climate here. I hear that Washington is a heck of a lot milder and I sure wouldn’t mind escaping these long Canadian winters.
Plus, my owners are not the most generous when it comes to dog food. It turns out that I, too, am allergic and therefore need a special dry food made from potatoes and salmon.
For the first year or so, I didn’t mind too much. But now I’m downright sick of the stuff. I hear that you folks have your own personal chef. Maybe he or she could treat me to the odd meal of roast beef or steak tartare.
So, think about it. You’re all about change and I sure could use a change right about now. Plus, as a Canadian PWD, maybe I could help you formulate some new policies. After all, we’ve got socialized medicine, gay marriage and medical marijuana up here.
If my offer sounds good, give me a call. But please don’t let my current owners know. For some reason, they’re kind of attached to me. For now, you can contact me through my blog and no one else has to know.